If I am even a slight representative of the American population, advertising execs have it made because COMMERCIALS WORK. On me, at least. It’s not usually the commercials telling me to buy things that peak my interest. Mostly I’m obsessed with commercials of the discount persuasion- “This Thursday buy one jumbo blizzard and get 5 cents off your second one!” I wouldn’t dream of eating two whole blizzards (actually I would dream of but I wouldn’t do it because I have some sense of self-respect) but mark my words, this Thursday I will find someone to eat that second blizzard. Ill be damned if I’m going to miss out on a bargain!

The other types of commercials that really get me every time are the if-you-don’t-buy-our-product-you’ll-wish-you-were-dead commercial and their brother commercial could-you-have-this-condition-that-our-product-treats-at-the-risk-of-worse-side-effects? For example, I watched a commercial about mattresses and how important they are because you’re supposed to sleep a lot and if you’re not sleeping well you’ll get cancer and your spine will get so messed up you’ll have a hunchback at thirty and my head is spinning and I want to cry. I’m writing this as I lay in bed and all I can think about is that my mattress is basically trying to kill me. I’m also very concerned about glaucoma and stress sweats (which smells worse than regular sweat and is harder to treat, apparently, but secret clinical strength can cure anything and was blessed my the pope or something!) So congratulations, advertising companies, you’re work is effectively ruining my life.


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